Wrote this while I was at The Salvation Army Training for Officers.
It isn’t the people that I hate; no, it’s not them. It isn’t the teachers or any of the other students. It isn’t the grumpy old man across the hall. It isn’t the food or the ceaseless and relentless schedule. It isn't even the lack of quality in the education. It’s the System. It’s the iron cogs of tradition grinding behind the walls that cause these bones to ache. It’s the fact that whatever problem I have is my fault alone. There is no problem with the System; no, the System is perfect. So perfect that anything that comes against it, or is contrary to it, or is merely other than it is clearly flawed and in dire need of repair. To disagree is to not belong. To think differently is to provide evidence that the god of the System has not “called” you; for if he had, you would conform, there would be the provision of strength from above. Contrary opinions and opposing viewpoints are not permitted, for the System has given everything: food, shelter, even salvation; therefore to think other than what it has prescribed is to commit treason and the only just punishment for such a crime is anathema. One cannot complain about such things, one should not even think of such things, for the hand-that-feeds is lurking, waiting to expose the heretic,or the “uncalled one.” No, I am in a new world, where Tradition is Law and Stubbornness is Virtue. Out there is America, free to think and feel and believe however you want. In here it’s “Think like us or leave.” Even though you sold all your possessions and left everything behind to be here. I long for authenticity, but authenticity is not permitted; therefore existence is not permitted in its full and true sense. I must “be” something that I am not, and naturally my true self resists this with all its might. At times it lashes out in fierce contradiction like a fire. It could very well be pride, but it is pride in what God has made, and I will not lose it.
